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THE TODDLER ROADMAP SERIES 2: Episode 15 – Siblings without Rivalry. Simple Tips to Stop Jealousy!

"Everything you need to raise a happy, confident, resilient toddler 
undamaged by living through a pandemic!"

Show notes:

In this episode we will be looking at sibling rivalry and why kids fight, and will be talking about why remaining calm in an uncertain world is important for your children despite living through a pandemic, the Ukraine war and the cost of living crisis. 

In this episode:

  • Living in a Dangerous World. How to Avoid Passing Anxiety on to Your Kids.
  • ​Viewpoint of the child exercise
  • ​Find Out More About The #Soothment Movement
  • ​Chalk Art Ideas for Kids

Sibling Rivalry

Sibling rivalry has always had a bad press - think of Cain slaughtering Abel and Joseph being thrown down the well and sold by his brothers because they were jealous of his beautiful multi coloured coat!

Think about growing up with your brothers and sisters!

Sibling rivalry can apply to any child living in the same family, from step brothers and sisters to blood related brothers and sisters - and it refers to the jealousy, competition, teasing and fighting that goes on between them - and all the experts seem to agree that it stems from your child’s deep desire and need for your exclusive love - and their need for your attention and their sense of identity, self-worth and specialness within your family.
Siblings fight for several reasons:
  • They fight because they want your parental attention, and you naturally only have so much time, attention, and patience to give. 
  • ​They fight because they are jealous: "He got a new bike. I didn't. They must love him more than they love me." 
  • ​They fight over ordinary teasing which is a way of testing the effects of behaviour and words on another person: "He called me..." "But she called me...first." 
  • ​They fight because they are growing up in a competitive society that teaches them that to win is to be better: "I saw it first." "I beat you to the water." 
They are vying for your attention and if they don’t feel valued or feel they are getting equal amounts of your love and approval they will fight for it and as they don’t always know positive ways to get you to notice or respond to them - and any attention is better than none.

Your “job” is to start to be aware of this aspect in your family relationships.

TRY THIS EXERCISE

This exercise is in my bestselling book ‘Parenting Made Easy’ and the full version is in my Toddler Roadmap eCourse
Just relax and let’s just imagine life from the viewpoint of your child for a few minutes.

I want you to relax and let’s do a little exercise that you may find very interesting. Just put in your own word that fits your circumstances - “husband” or “wife” “partner” or “he” or “she” throughout this exercise.
  • Just imagine that your partner has come home and puts their arm around you and says “You know I love you so much and I think you’re really wonderful, so I’ve decided to add another wife to our lives just like you.”
Write down your reaction:
  • When the new “wife” finally arrives, you see that she’s younger than you and very cute. When people see you all together out shopping, they say hello to you politely but really fuss and pay attention to the new wife saying things like “ohhh isn’t she pretty and soooo adorable - sooo amazing”
Then they turn to you and say, “And how do you like your new wife then - isn’t she lovely?”

Write down your reaction:
  • The new wife needs some new clothes so your husband goes into the cupboard and starts taking out your clothes - all your lovely jumpers and trousers and things you loved to wear, and he helpfully points out that now you’re bigger you won’t be wanting them anymore so isn’t it great that you can pass them on to your lovely new wife?
Write down your reaction: 
  • Every month your new wife is growing quickly and developing in new and different ways to you and one evening while you are struggling with your computer she pops in and says - “Ohh great - this is how you do it - it’s so easy isn’t it - what fun!”
Write down your reaction: 
  • When you feel all indignant and tell her to stop doing things you find annoying or interrupting you, she runs off to your husband crying and complaining about you.
He immediately storms over to you with his arms around her saying “Honestly, I can’t believe you - what do you think you’re doing upsetting her like this - why can’t you just share and take turns - you’re older and supposed to be wiser than her?”
Write down your reaction 

So, what did you discover about yourself from doing that exercise?

The point of this exercise is to change your perspective on being a sibling!

Did you find that your reactions were less than charitable? Perhaps you found yourself being mean, petty, cruel, or spiteful or wanting to hit her!

This is just a taster of an older sibling’s reaction to a younger one so let’s look at the reaction a year later when you tell your husband how you feel, and he responds with

“That’s ridiculous - you know I love you both the same” Or

“Why must you be so negative about this all the time - why can’t you just get along together?

Again, this could be the way you handle sibling rivalry at the moment and that’s OK because now I’m going to suggest you try something different.
  • ​Having a brother or a sister could represent less time with you in the eyes of your child - less attention, less time for talking together, sharing fun together, less time to be heard when they have a worry, less toys, less food, less help with homework, less space - someone who might be better at things than you are - who could shine in things you can’t do, who could excel in areas you can’t, who could be the apple of your parent’s eye because they can do all these amazing things that your parents value and think is great.
  • ​Just think back over your own life and the hurts, disappointments and memories that have shaped you when you think of your own brothers and sisters. Think of things that have happened to you, think of things you’ve seen, heard, or felt - both positive and negative - this is just to get you to really tap into the world from your children’s point of view
I’m not dwelling on this to paint a horrible picture, but just getting you to change your perspective on your family life and getting you to see things from a different perspective - and to see things from your child’s point of view
  • It’s about realising that you can make a difference in the lives of your kids by either intensifying competition or by reducing it - you can now accelerate the fighting or make co-operation a way of life in your home.
Like nightmares or sleepwalking, sibling rivalry is one of the inevitable consequences of having children - the clashes, the attention seeking, the digs and jibes, the mini or sometimes major battles that go on at home - where you sometimes feel like a Premiership referee stuck in the middle trying to be fair and trying to get things right is all part of bringing up kids but it’s all about how you perceive your role and what you choose to do about it - it’s about your attitude first and the atmosphere you want to create in your home and the types of relationships you want to develop in your children.
Your attitude and words have power.

Make sure each of your children feel special, unique and get your personal time and create the ‘We Team’ in your family life.

Just 10 minutes a day 1-2-1 with your child will work wonders around sibling rivalry.

Pause to Ponder This Week:

Building the “WE” mentality of a team 
The “we” rather than “me” mentality is so important in a family. It builds trust, support, loyalty, love and a true foundation for security and self esteem.

I think it’s helpful to have the attitude of being “high on harmony and low on rivalry” and I believe if you have this as your goal - things begin to fall into place.

So just for this week start to notice the ways you talk to your children and how you spend time with them individually. Also notice how to encourage and nurture the “we” spirit of a family team.

If you don’t like what you discover – don’t beat yourself up – just make a commitment to trying some new approaches over the next week and pat yourself on the back when you start to notice an all-round improvement.

Remember you may just create the Brady Bunch after all!

What can I do to build the ‘We Team’ in our house this week?

To find out Check out Module 14 on my TODDLER ROADMAP for the comprehensive low down on everything you need to know about toddlers, team spirit and being high on harmony.
• I have filmed and written tips for Disney’s ‘The Gift of Play’ website. Get inspired and spark the magic of imaginative play with my tips & videos in collaboration with Disney, Pixar, Star Wars™ and Marvel.

Download & Discover ‘The Gift of Play!’ Guide

Bursting with inspirational play ideas, arts, crafts, games, activities and puzzles!

Chalk Art Idea for Kids

There are so many benefits that can come from creating with chalk.

Chalk is a great fine motor tool for developing your child's pincer grasp and encouraging them to grip things correctly (like their pencil)!

Chalk is also very versatile and can be used for art indoors and outside.
It also washes away easily.

Use big chunky chalk for little hands and fingers

Make A Chalk Maze

Get your child (or you) to design their own web of squiggly lines, circles, and other lines with chalk to design a maze through which others can walk, run, cycle, or go on their scooter. The bigger, more colourful, and more intricate the maze, the more fun your kids will have working their way through.

Skills developed: Balance, dexterity, imagination.

There’s a new feature on my Instagram: @sueatkins18

#ParentHacks

If your child is afraid of monsters/ aliens/ ghosts at night, make some “monster spray” to spray in their room before bed and spray away the monsters.
Add some lavender oil to help them relax and it will also make the room smell nice.

#TipsandScripts

When you're tempted to say something negative – it’s much better to reframe it into something positive so kids really hear you and can act on what you want them to do.

They’ll feel better – you’ll feel better – win – win!

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I do LIVE PODS – like Instagram Lives – and you can have access to me 1-2-1 over on the Peanut app for FREE 😊

Question:

Dear Sue, I’m anxious that the world is a dangerous place for our child. I wake up at night worrying. Can you help? Rose Furnish from Brisbane

Answer:

It's normal to have these anxieties from time to time. But here are some ideas to help.
Why it’s important to deal with anxiety.
Constant worrying can take over and get in the way of your parenting. Very anxious parents find it hard to get through the day and you might have trouble connecting emotionally with your child.

There is some evidence that parents with social anxiety are more likely to engage in behaviours that put their children at risk of anxiety, as well.

If you're always showing your child you're worried, they may learn to be worried about some situations too. Children learn from taking risks and making mistakes.

Anxiety is a common mental health condition and you may have had anxiety before you became a parent, or you may have developed the condition during or after pregnancy. Anxiety often comes and goes, but if you experience these symptoms a lot and they don't go away, seek help if you:
  • can't stop worrying
  • ​feel restless
  • ​have trouble relaxing or sleeping
  • ​find it hard to concentrate
  • ​are getting very frustrated or irritable
  • ​feel your heart racing often
How to manage anxiety.
When you're feeling anxious or overwhelmed, leave your toddler safely in a room for a few minutes and concentrate on slowing down your breathing. Imagine having roots that go down into the ground deeply anchoring you to the earth. Grounding you.

Stay in the present moment and focus on the actual problem. For example, if your child is poorly, focus on how to make them more comfortable and don't worry about other tasks, like the laundry.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, break things down into small tasks or steps. Use positive self-talk, for instance saying “I can handle this” to yourself.

It can help if you ‘make an appointment’ with yourself to worry about certain things later. By then, they might not seem so bad or important. At night – get up and make a hot drink or write down the worry in a book by the bed and then say that you’ll come back to it in the morning.

If you are often anxious, relaxation techniques and mindfulness training can help. You could keep a diary and write out your worries.
Here’s my article on worry.
These are difficult & unusual times & we need practical tips to handle worry. Here are my Top 10.

Parentverse 

Sue Atkins in Conversation with Lauren Brukner Occupational Therapist & Author of ‘How to be a Superhero Called Self Control’

National Baby Day 2nd May 2022 – The #Soothment Movement

What is The #Soothment Movement?
One of the most natural and soothing things for baby to do is suck. It's a powerful instinct that they are born with. Yet despite this interesting 'little-known-fact', many parents feel cautious about using a soother or a dummy.

 MAM is leading The #Soothment Movement with their extensive range offering #soothment and comfort to the very youngest of babies right through until they stop using a soother and MAM want to be sure parents can access the right information and the right soother to relax and calm baby.

It’s all about personal choice and I remember agonising over whether to give my first born son Will a dummy but at 1.30am I decided to pop one in and ‘hey presto’ he went out like a light !
 Why use a Soother/Dummy/Pacifier?
  • Sleep Soundly - Even if your little one isn’t crying, sucking a soother may help calm and soothe baby, encouraging them to fall asleep and stay asleep longer, which means more sleep for you, too. 
  • ​Reduce the risk of SIDS - Soothers may help protect your baby from SIDS and suffocation during sleep for several reasons. They might make it harder for your baby to roll over onto their stomach. A soother also blocks your baby’s face from accidentally getting too close to the mattress or blanket.
  • ​Helps Development - researchers think that sucking on a soother might help babies develop better nerve reflexes and breathing muscles.
  • ​Soothing for babies in this big wide world – Our world through babies eyes can understandably be a daunting place, throw in the discomfort of teething, or upset stomachs, soothers can be a great companion and provide comfort for your little ones as and when needed.
MAM invests the utmost care and attention to their soothers which are developed alongside experts in medicine and technology to make them 100% safe and perfect for babies. All MAM soothers are unique and innovative in design and function, combining medical benefits and high product safety standards.
Which Soother is best?
MAM Original Soother

MAM Original soother is best known for its flat, symmetric and orthodontic teat shape which holds a 94% acceptance rate with babies.

Time To Take Action

Sign up to my Toddler Roadmap
My Toddler Roadmap looks at all the aspects of raising your toddler so they are not damaged by a unique time in history - living through a pandemic - & each module will help you to nurture your child’s mental health and wellbeing and this podcast is linked to my Toddler Roadmap training.

I’m going to hold your hand, support and guide you through everything you need to know about raising happy, confident resilient kids – today’s toddlers but tomorrow’s adults!
I want you to relax & have total confidence that you’ve got a parenting expert who’s got your back - showing you the way to happy, confident kids and knowing the pandemic didn’t damage your kids long term!

In my TODDLER Roadmap Course and Community I will give you the step by step guide for handling toddler tantrums and why they happen, I give you the roadmap for potty training, why kids become fussy eaters and what to do about it. I show you how to build self confidence in your toddler and explain why they say ‘why?’ all the time, I give you my parenting hacks on how to handle sibling rivalry when another baby arrives, I tell you about the importance of play and how to handle when they say ‘NO!’

I tell you how to handle whining, crying, and biting. I show you my tips for getting kids into a good bedtime routine and why that’s important. I talk about why reading with kids is so important and why singing nursery rhymes with them helps their language development. I show you how to handle night terrors and I look at the bigger picture to your parenting – not just the socks and pants of life that we all get stuck in!

So, I’m really excited to share with you my Toddler Roadmap

Check out my YouTube Channel Playlist – videos released every Tuesday and Friday

To get my full advice and videos join my Toddler Roadmap

Coming up Next Week 

Coming up in Episode 16 Positive and Practical Ways to Nurture Your Toddlers Self-Esteem

As parents we are forever being told about how we must nurture and not harm our child’s self-esteem but how do we go about doing this, and does a toddler or newborn have self esteem? Well, the answer is yes, with small children self esteem is incredibly important, but do you know how to nurture this and perhaps more importantly how not to damage it?
We’ll be looking at what self-esteem is and how to give it to your kids.

Join my Facebook Group Community

I have created a private and safe space for us all – a Facebook Group called ‘Don’t Stew ~ Ask Sue Atkins’ where you can ask me anything from niggles, worries, or problems or perhaps you’d just like some new ideas or you’d like to make some new friends.

Jump on and join in – it’s free from finger pointing or tut-tting – it takes a village and we’re all in this together!
It’s like a community clubhouse – to make sure we get together to chat, laugh and support each other on the journey – so grab a coffee and let’s get social 😊
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