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THE TODDLER ROADMAP SERIES 2: Episode 14 – Smacking Special: Why There Are BETTER Ways to Teach Your Toddler

"Everything you need to raise a happy, confident, resilient toddler 
undamaged by living through a pandemic!"

Show notes:

In this episode we will be looking a smacking /spanking. This is not about judging, finger pointing or blaming but all about supporting, changing and empowering you with different solutions to the age old problem of raising happy, confident, well behaved kids who push our buttons but need our kindness, respect, trust and love.

In this episode:

  • Damage that smacking/spanking does to children mentally and physically.
  • ​Different solutions to age old problem of raising happy, confident, well behave kids.
  • ​Research about smacking.
  • ​Difference between discipline and punishment.
  • ​Alternatives to smacking.
In this special edition of the Sue Atkins Parenting Show and the Toddler Roadmap Podcast, I want to talk about the damage that smacking /spanking does to children mentality and physically and I want to look at positive alternatives.

This is not about judging, finger pointing or blaming but all about supporting, changing and empowering you with different solutions to the age old problem of raising happy, confident, well behaved kids who push our buttons but need our kindness, respect, trust and love.

Spanking also known as smacking is a global problem that affects most children.

It is currently in the news as England debates whether or not to ban it. It is being debated in Scotland and Wales & globally as 53 countries now ban spanking.
The Dictionary defines a smack as ‘to strike (someone or something), typically with the palm of the hand and as a punishment.

Studies globally show that smacking can lead to low self-esteem, depression, anxiety & other mental health issues.

There was a time in history when we “cured” headaches by drilling holes in people’s heads to let evil spirits out. There was also a time when we sent messages on horseback. But times change as we evolve, gather more information, and learn more about the detrimental side to smacking.

People often say ‘I don’t smack my child that often or that hard. Most of the time I show her lots of love and gentleness. An occasional tap on the bottom won’t bother her.” This rationalisation holds true for some children, but other children remember smacking messages more than nurturing ones.

You may have a hug-hit ratio of 100:1 in your home, but you run the risk of your child remembering and being influenced more by the one hit than the 100 hugs, especially if that hit was delivered in anger or unjustly, which happens all too often.

This is 2022. We no longer have to smack children to have them understand the “error” of their ways. We have made advances in parenting. We now know how to communicate in a way that actually teaches, rather than punishes. Doing something because it’s always been done that way isn’t a good enough reason for continuing to do it. We’ve learnt about the damage of smoking and sugar – perhaps it’s time to learn about the damage of smacking.

The Latin root of discipline means “to teach,” while the Latin root of punishment means, “to inflict pain.”

Today’s podcast will be looking at more humane and kinder ways of teaching our children our version of “right” and “wrong” — instead of trying to “inflict pain.”

Your child will thank you.

Their children will thank you.

And their children’s children will thank you.
Check out the link to a podcast I did on smacking/spanking with some global experts Swati Popat Vats from India, who heads up the #IwillNot Campaign, Robbyn Peters Bennett from the USA who heads up the ‘No Spanking Challenge’ & Jane Evans from the UK a trauma specialist.

Is Smacking OK?

Smacking The Research

There is a “definitive link” between smacking children and behavioural difficulties, many studies have found.
Researchers at University College London, who reviewed 20 years of research on the topic, found that physical punishment is not effective in improving children’s behaviour, and instead makes it worse.

I have been on BBC Radio, Channel 5 News, GB News, TalkRadio and interviewed a great deal over the years as a new survey has comprehensively found that smacking or spanking doesn’t work and is damaging to children’s self-esteem, confidence, wellbeing, and trust in you.

You can listen to my interviews to get a flavour of what I think about smacking children, but I think my image above sums it up.

I have written a great deal about positive parenting and better ways to raise happy, confident kids with strong self-esteem and good mental health and smacking has been shown time and time again to damage all of these things in a child.

The most comprehensive study from the University of Texas followed 160,000 families for 50 years and the research showed CLEAR evidence that smacking, or spanking is HARMFUL to children.

The more children were smacked, the more anti-social behaviour they displayed, the more aggression they showed and the more they suffered from self-esteem problems, anxiety, depression and lack of trust throughout their lifetime.

If I had a £ for every time a parent or a journalist said, ‘But I was smacked, and it didn’t do me any harm.’ I’d have a wardrobe full of Jimmy Choo shoes!

But we are in a position of trust – young children in particular have no self regulation as their brains are not yet fully developed and they make mistakes, get overwhelmed by their big emotions of anger, frustration and fear and they need us to support them by going alongside them – ‘talking and teaching’ them how to manage those big emotions over time so that they can self-regulate their own behaviour as they mature.
Click on the links below to find more alternatives to smacking:
The Alternative To Smacking’ Checklist by Sue Atkins
Why Is Smacking Wrong?
Is it OK to smack your child?

Positive Parenting 

Here are some ways to help your child develop ‘discipline’ and ‘self discipline’ while you’re being a positive parent.

Positive parenting isn’t a vague concept of being nice to your children, when they don’t deserve it!

It’s a parenting philosophy and a way of thinking and it’s based on the idea that our relationship with our children is the most important thing, and that we can help and support our children to develop self-discipline.

Positive parenting isn’t flaky parenting, trendy parenting, or permissive parenting.

With positive parenting there is a choice on focusing on firm, fair and consistent discipline and the goal is to raise a adult who follows the rules, has strong self esteem and confidence and good mental health and wellbeing.

An adult who follows the rules and respects others, not out of fear, but because it’s the right thing to do.

Set firm, fair and consistent boundaries

  • Children are not attention seeking – they are connection seeking. Come off your mobile phone, stop what you are doing and connect with them – what’s really going on underneath the behaviour? Anger, fear, frustration, boredom, being ignored?
  • ​Be firm but kind – be patient and see their behaviour as an opportunity to ’talk and teach’ them how to behave or act or express their big, strong, overwhelming emotions.
  • ​Decide what rules are important to you and your partner, if you have one, and then tell your kids what they are!! They’re not mind readers!
  • ​Avoid shaming and blaming your child – it damages their self esteem and confidence.
  • ​Try thinking about consequences and choices rather than punishment – punishing your child makes you the enemy, particularly if you are in a battle of wills with your kids. Think Connection rather than Control. It doesn’t make you any less a parent if you want to teach your kids through patience rather than control.
  • ​Use positive reinforcement rather than constantly nagging! Catch them, doing something well or good – like putting away their toys or hanging up their coat. Were they kind to their sister and helped her with her homework?
  • ​Model Respect – kids copy what we do, how we speak about others and how we speak to them. If you want them to be respectful – act respectfully.
  • ​Look to understand not control – strive for empathy and kindness, patience and love. Kids often seem to be misbehaving to spite us – and yes, kids do push our buttons, wind us up and can be exhausting but they are not doing it to make our lives harder. So, get plenty of ‘Me’ Time away from them to keep a balance in your life. Go for a run, meet a friend for a coffee or meet for a glass of wine. It will recharge your batteries, give you more patience and help things stay in perspective.
  • ​The goal of positive parenting is build and maintain your relationship with your child, while raising a person who will do good in the world and grow up to be a happy, confident child, teenager, adult and parent! 
Like to find out more?
Read and watch here:

‘I was smacked as a child, and it didn’t do me any harm’ – is a MYTH.

Read WHY!

Like it? Share it!
To find out Check out Module 12 on my TODDLER ROADMAP for the comprehensive low down on everything you need to know about boundaries, behaviour and discipline 
• I have filmed and written tips for Disney’s ‘The Gift of Play’ website. Get inspired and spark the magic of imaginative play with my tips & videos in collaboration with Disney, Pixar, Star Wars™ and Marvel.

Download & Discover ‘The Gift of Play!’ Guide

Bursting with inspirational play ideas, arts, crafts, games, activities and puzzles!

Pause to Ponder This Week:

  • What can I do this week to be clear on my boundaries while being kind and patient?
  • ​How can I see my toddler’s behaviour as an opportunity to ’talk and teach’ them how to behave or act or express their big, strong, overwhelming emotions?

#TipsandScripts

When you're tempted to say something negative – it’s much better to reframe it into something positive so kids really hear you and can act on what you want them to do.

They’ll feel better – you’ll feel better – win – win!
Tell your toddler what you want them to do and praise them when they do it! 

JOIN MY PEANUT COMMUNITY

Sue Atkins Toddler Roadmap Community
My parenting community on Peanut is a chance to connect with me one on one, ask questions, find support and make friends

I do LIVE PODS – like Instagram Lives – and you can have access to me 1-2-1 over on the Peanut app for FREE 😊

Question:

Dear Sue, What’s a positive way to reward my daughter Holly, who’s 3, when she’s does what I tell her? Anna Nowak from Brighton, England 

Answer:

The Sue Atkins Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy Button

My Alternative to the ‘Naughty Step’
The ‘Easy Peasy – Lemon Squeezy Button’ is suitable for kids of all ages & allows you to record and playback 40 seconds of yourself saying ‘That was Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy’ via the built-in microphone and speaker – to motivate & encourage your child to brush their teeth, do their homework or tidy away their toys!

It includes a removable sticker that reinforces the message ‘That was Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy’ to match your recording.

The large size is ideal for children of all ages from 2 years+ & is a simple, quick and easy way of getting your children to do all the things they need to do.

No more ‘Naughty Step’ just lots of positive, tactile, active psychology that encourages your child using multi-sensory engaged learning.

It’s a really simple, easy and brilliant way to ‘anchor’ confidence in your child’s unconscious as it builds confidence and self-esteem instantly through just having fun and being relaxed.

Your kids will have huge fun just running over and pushing their “Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy!” button and laughing after they have done something positive.

Building and anchoring confidence with the “Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy!” button sounding out loud and clear is great fun and is a wonderfully positive experience for kids.

Kids LOVE pressing it.

Use the “Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy!” button anywhere. Your kids can run over and press it anytime they do something new, get something right, overcome something difficult, do something they find unpleasant, try something out of their comfort zone, do as they were told the first time of asking, or just had a go as a ‘Can Do Kid’

Just think of the power to their confidence as they learnt their 7x tables, learnt to tie their shoelaces or use the potty, ate their broccoli, did their homework, came off their tablet the 1st time you told them, tidied their room, put away their toys, read their reading book or emptied the dishwasher! – the list is endless and only limited by your imagination simply by pressing the “Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy!” button.

NO MORE NAGGING, NAUGHTY STEP OR BAD BEHAVIOUR

Just lots of positive, tactile, active psychology that encourages your child using multi-sensory engaged learning.

Parentverse 

Sue Atkins in Conversation with Dr. Swati Popat Vats from India, who heads up the #IwillNot Campaign, Robbyn Peters Bennett from the USA who heads up the ‘No Spanking Challenge’ & Jane Evans from the UK a trauma specialist.
Sue Atkins in Conversation with Dr. Caspar Addyman – Author of The Laughing Baby

Time To Take Action

Sign up to my Toddler Roadmap
My Toddler Roadmap looks at all the aspects of raising your toddler so they are not damaged by a unique time in history - living through a pandemic - & each module will help you to nurture your child’s mental health and wellbeing and this podcast is linked to my Toddler Roadmap training.

I’m going to hold your hand, support and guide you through everything you need to know about raising happy, confident resilient kids – today’s toddlers but tomorrow’s adults!
I want you to relax & have total confidence that you’ve got a parenting expert who’s got your back - showing you the way to happy, confident kids and knowing the pandemic didn’t damage your kids long term!

In my TODDLER Roadmap Course and Community I will give you the step by step guide for handling toddler tantrums and why they happen, I give you the roadmap for potty training, why kids become fussy eaters and what to do about it. I show you how to build self confidence in your toddler and explain why they say ‘why?’ all the time, I give you my parenting hacks on how to handle sibling rivalry when another baby arrives, I tell you about the importance of play and how to handle when they say ‘NO!’

I tell you how to handle whining, crying, and biting. I show you my tips for getting kids into a good bedtime routine and why that’s important. I talk about why reading with kids is so important and why singing nursery rhymes with them helps their language development. I show you how to handle night terrors and I look at the bigger picture to your parenting – not just the socks and pants of life that we all get stuck in!

So, I’m really excited to share with you my Toddler Roadmap

Check out my YouTube Channel Playlist – videos released every Tuesday and Friday

To get my full advice and videos join my Toddler Roadmap

Coming up Next Week 

Coming up in Episode 15 Sibling Rivalry  

Sibling rivalry has always had a bad press - think of Cain slaughtering Abel and Joseph
being thrown down the well and sold by his brothers because they were jealous of his
beautiful multi coloured coat!

Sibling rivalry can apply to any child living in the same family, from stepbrothers and
sisters to blood related brothers and sisters - and it refers to the jealousy, competition,
teasing and fighting that goes on between them - and all the experts seem to agree that
it stems from your child’s deep desire and need for your exclusive love - and their need
for your attention and their sense of identity, self-worth and specialness within your
family.

We’ll be looking at why siblings fight and what to do about it.

Join my Facebook Group Community

I have created a private and safe space for us all – a Facebook Group called ‘Don’t Stew ~ Ask Sue Atkins’ where you can ask me anything from niggles, worries, or problems or perhaps you’d just like some new ideas or you’d like to make some new friends.

Jump on and join in – it’s free from finger pointing or tut-tting – it takes a village and we’re all in this together!
It’s like a community clubhouse – to make sure we get together to chat, laugh and support each other on the journey – so grab a coffee and let’s get social 😊
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