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THE TODDLER ROADMAP SERIES 2: Episode 9 – Saying “NO” to Your Kids with Confidence!

"Everything you need to raise a happy, confident, resilient toddler 
undamaged by living through a pandemic!"

Show notes:

In this Episode 9 I share with you when to say "No" to your toddler and actually meaning it for it to be effective. And also saying "Yes" as often as saying "No"!

In this episode:

  • ​What To Do When Your Toddler Hits You.
  • ​#TipsandScripts: Quick, Simple & Effective Positive Parenting Ideas to Help Make Life with Kids Easier!
  • ​20 Super Fun Ways to Develop Scissor Skills

With Parentverse Guest Claire Colbert Co-Founder of Family Mediation and Mentoring: Specialists in Divorce and Finances.

Saying “NO” to your kids with confidence!

Saying no to kids and actually meaning it is quite hard for some parents that I work with.

Whether you tell your child they can’t go outside and play because it’s too cold, or you say no when they ask for a biscuit before breakfast, hearing the word ‘no’ once in a while can be good for kids. It sets a clear boundary and when used appropriately, shows you care.

There are many ways to tell a child no, but not all of them are effective. If you say no to your child, it’s important to show that you mean it.

Saying “No” to your kids is such a simple word but so many parents find it difficult to incorporate it into their discipline strategies – it’s about feeling confident in your own ability as a parent so then the ability to say “no” becomes a powerful behaviour shaping tool in your parenting toolkit!

While some parents may not like saying no because they don’t want to be mean, others may feel guilty that their child is upset. It’s important to notice how you feel when you say no so you can deal with your feelings in a healthy, and productive manner.

Parents often find it hard to say “No” to their kids and there are many reasons for this.

• One of the reasons is shortage of time. We all seem to be in such a hurry these days. It’s so much easier to give in and buy whatever it is your child wants, rather than to spend time explaining why you won’t buy it or spend time dealing with their sulks when they don’t get it.

But is that the message you want your child to grow up expecting?

• Another reason is being afraid of causing a scene. I know it’s easier, to wander around the supermarket with a happy and quiet child who is tucking into their sweets or crisps, rather than dragging a screaming child round while you attempt to do your shopping! But personally, I think you can make looking for Disney spaghetti hoops quite exciting, and getting your child involved in helping you look for the butter or helping you to weigh the grapes can be good practical experience and fun! It’s how you approach it.

Try making the whole experience a game and see how creative you can be – get your child to join in not whine – get them engaged.

• Another reason is all the resources available to us nowadays .When your child asks for a treat you may think “Well it’s only 80p so it won’t break the bank” and I know we do seem to have more disposable cash splashing about today than perhaps when we were growing up, and many parents don’t think twice about spending it all on their children, but is that a good message to be sending out to your children?
 What message are you giving if you continually ‘give in’?

You can have anything you want?

My job is not to judge what you do but to get you be clear about what you want and how you want to bring up your children.

Perhaps the approach of giving in to everything is easier in the short term but is it easier in the long term?

Is it creating a child who will have totally unrealistic expectations of you and the world – and will they will expect to get everything they want. Is that realistic or desirable? Is it creating a Paris Hilton?

You can be sure that their requests will get bigger and more expensive as they become aware of all the goodies out there. It’s sweets today, Nike trainers and Gucci purses next!

While you may enjoy indulging your child’s wishes, the world just isn’t like that, and your child may be in for a rude awakening when they encounter the many situations in the real world where they can’t have what they want. I think it helps if you think of it as your job to preparing them for life with its ups and downs and disappointments.

I just wonder if another message you are sending out is that “It really doesn’t matter how you treat your things – you can always get more”

Children who constantly get new toys and treats too easily learn not to value their things, because they know that they will always be replaced. They lose their sense of awe and wonder for new things if they are continually showered with gifts. It all comes too easily. So their expectations become inflated and they have no sense of gratitude or value for any of the gifts or treats they receive.

I remember my own Mum getting cross with my kids at Christmas a few years ago, as they were so overwhelmed by the amount of presents they received from both sets of Grandparents that they became nonchalant and blasé and she felt they didn’t appreciate what they had and just ripped the paper off, moving too quickly onto the next present.

Perhaps the message your child receives is “I can’t give you much time but I can give you lots of ‘things”

If this is the message your child is receiving don’t be surprised if they don’t place any value on these things or show any gratitude at getting all this stuff. ‘Things’ just cannot replace your time. If children do not get the attention and input from you, among other things, they do not develop a sense of their worth. They may feel they are not worth spending time with.

So you might be showering your child with gifts, but actually their self-esteem might be diminishing as their stack of toys and “stuff” piles up. Now there’s a thought!!!

Let’s look at treats and the message we sometimes send out with those….

“If you get upset, don’t worry we’ll get you a little treat”

The child who always receives a treat when they start to cry and shout or get hurt is learning a dangerous lesson. Other children and the outside world will not be as generous as you.

So just ask yourself….

How will my child cope as an adult in a world where they most definitely won’t always get their way?

It’s all a balance between “yes” and “no,” and it takes practise if you are new to saying “No” and taking a harder line.

So, start small and start practising saying “no” to requests for things like sweets, toys and treats from time to time so you keep them for special occasions when your child will value them much more.

Initially it may be difficult as your toddler or teen may have trouble believing that you really mean” no,” because in the past this wasn’t the case. They will probably throw a wobbly, but remember the bigger picture to your parenting – the values you want to teach them and hold on – think about the consequences of giving in.

Distract, explain, smile, or move on to something else, but stand firm.

Your child is learning that when you say “no,” you mean it and you are teaching them a valuable and important lesson for life.
Just step back and reflect on this each time you interact with your children: “Is this teaching my child something I believe to be important?”

Kids like to test us – kids like to see if we really mean what we say – they want to feel secure, so boundaries create safety, they want our attention so “negative attention” is better than nothing – but overall boundaries help kids
  • Know how far they can go
  • Knowing their boundaries helps kids feel safe
  • Boundaries help teach children respect for you, other people and property
  • ​Boundaries teach kids self control
  • ​Boundaries teach them to be responsible adults in the long term
There are lots of reasons why you perhaps find saying “no” difficult perhaps you’re too tired, too busy, feel guilty for some reason , or don’t get backed up by your partner, or were too strict parenting yourself by your own parents, or you have a need to be liked by your kids, or it’s all too much hassle or you may even be confused about what is acceptable but I think it helps to know what loving discipline is and what it’s not!
Setting boundaries for your child is all about: 
  • Guiding your child’s character not punishing them
  • It’s about you being their parents and needing to be a leader and their guide more than their friend
  • It’s about consistency and following through to earn respect long term
  • ​And of course, It’s about the age and maturity of your individual child
What it’s not!
  • Being inconsistent – saying one thing one day and not the next
  • ​Dominating or controlling
  • ​Yelling. Threatening. Criticising
  • ​Violence
Give a Definitive Answer
Hearing things like, “Well, we’ll see…” or “Probably not,” can be frustrating for children. And they’ll often beg, whine, and plead to turn a wishy-washy no into a yes.

When you mean no, make your answer definitive. Say, “No, you can’t do that today,” or “No, we aren’t going to go there.” Say it in a firm, authoritative manner to show that you mean business.

Of course, there may be times when the answer really is ‘maybe.’ In those cases, make your uncertainty crystal clear by explaining why the uncertainty exists. Say something like, “I’m not sure if we’re going to be able to go to the beach. We’re going to have to wait and see how the weather looks after lunch.”
Offer a Short Explanation
A short explanation about why you’re saying no can turn your refusal into a learning experience. Saying, “No you can’t jump into the pool without your life jacket,” without an explanation isn’t helpful. Your child may think, “I can’t do that because my mom is mean,” without recognising the potential danger.

Try saying something like, “No you can’t jump into the pool without your life jacket because you're not a strong enough swimmer to swim all the way to the other end of the pool without a life jacket yet.” When your child understands the reason behind your answer he may be less likely to take the risk when you’re not there to tell him no.
Make it Clear You Won’t Give In
No matter how much whining, begging, or pleading your child does, don’t give in. Changing your no to a yes will only reinforce to your child that you don’t really mean what you say.

Even when you hear things like, “But everyone else gets to do that!” or, “You’re so mean. I hate you!” don’t go back on your word. Remind your child, “I love you and that’s my rule,” and just stop the conversation.
Don’t get into any power struggles.
Follow Through with Consequences When Necessary
If your child’s behaviour becomes disruptive, follow through with a consequence. A Cool Off Corner for both of you may give you a few minutes to collect your thoughts.
Deal With Your Emotions in a Healthy Way
While some parents may not like saying no because they don’t want to be mean, others may feel guilty that their child is upset. It’s important to notice how you feel when you say no so you can deal with your feelings in a healthy, and productive manner.

Remind yourself that it’s OK for your child to experience uncomfortable emotions, like sadness and disappointment. In fact, saying no to your child’s requests give them an opportunity to practice dealing with their feelings in a socially appropriate manner.
Make Sure You’re Saying Yes Often Too
Saying no to all of your child’s requests can be demotivating for your toddler, which can lead to frustration and naughty behaviour. Toddlers need the opportunity to explore different places and try new things. So, it’s important that you give your child permission to do the things that are good for their development. They are so young and need to explore the world.

When you catch yourself saying ‘no’ a lot, ask yourself why. Are you too tired? Are you running on empty? Are you worried that they’ll make a mess or too much noise? While it’s OK to say no sometimes simply because you don’t want to do something, don’t become overly restrictive out of habit.

#TipsandScripts

When you're tempted to say “no”, try to rephrase it as a statement about what your child can do, rather than what they can't.

For example, instead of, "No throwing the ball in the living room!" you could say, “Remember, we only throw balls outside.”

  • What are your reasons for not being able to say ‘No’ to your kids?
  • ​Are you afraid of causing a scene?
  • ​Is it easier to give in?
  • ​Do you just want your child to like you?
  • ​Ponder: Is saying No’ teaching my child something I believe to be important?”

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Toddler Development Skills

Cutting
Mastering new skills such as how to walk, talk, and use the potty are developmental milestones. It is exciting to watch your toddler learn new skills, but the normal development of children aged 1-3 also include several areas:
  • Gross motor - walking, running, climbing
  • ​Fine motor - feeding themselves, drawing
  • ​Sensory - seeing, hearing, tasting, touching, and smelling
  • ​Language - saying single words, then sentences
  • ​Social - playing with others, taking turns, doing fantasy play
Using a scissors and learning to cut is an important skill for toddlers and pre-schoolers to develop. It’s about developing your little one’s gross and fine motor skills and remember when you’re teaching your child to use scissors the secret to scissor skills success is lots of practice and patience 😊

To help, I found more than 20 fantastic ideas for cutting practice for preschoolers that are fun, engaging, and super helpful. You’ll find simple worksheets that are ready to use as soon as they’re off the printer as well as hands-on crafts and activities that are less formal by clicking here:

Question:

Dear Sue, what do I do when my 3 year old hits me?

Answer:

Sometimes when a toddler hits it's experimental. That will subside.
Toddlers are young and keen explorers. They experiment night and day—that’s how they learn how things work. It’s how they build their up their knowlwdge of understanding about their parents, their playmates, and how the world around them works.

So, news just in, toddlers hit. It's one thing almost every toddler will experiment with.

If it’s your child’s first or second or third hit, you need to take notice and address it.

It’s natural to feel upset if your child hurts you or someone else but if you react calmly and constructively now, it’s the first step towards encouraging positive behaviour in the future.

The thing to do is to gently, calmly move their arm away from the person they are hitting, so they can’t hit again and give them a firm command, ‘STOP! We don’t use our hands for hitting. You need to use your words. I can see you are angry/cross for not having what you want but you mustn’t hit!’

Watch your tone of voice, body language and mean what you say.

Be confident. Be clear.

Notice the triggers for the behaviour.

Have they had a toy taken away by a playmate? Have you said ‘No’ to a biscuit before breakfast?
For toddlers, a clear, verbal response to hitting is important. It’s also good to let toddlers know how you feel. For example, you can say, ‘No hitting. Hurting hurts Mummy’.

Your next steps depend on the reasons for your child’s behaviour. When you understand the reasons, you can respond in a way that helps your child learn more appropriate ways to behave.

If your child keeps hitting, biting, pinching or hair-pulling, try to be consistent in the way you respond. This will help your child learn about appropriate behaviour.

Work out what’s their frustration and either pre-empt it or use the opportunity to ‘talk and teach’ your toddler better and more acceptable ways to handle the situation.

Always look at what’s beneath the behaviour and see it as an opportunity to guide and teach them better ways to behave.

If the behaviour is about getting your attention, taking your attention away from your child sends them a very powerful message about how you’re feeling. For example, you can turn away or move away from your child.

Time To Take Action

Sign up to my Toddler Roadmap

Register to Sue Atkins Toddler Roadmap TODAY!

My Toddler Roadmap looks at all the aspects of raising your toddler so they are not damaged by a unique time in history - living through a pandemic - & each module will help you to nurture your child’s mental health and wellbeing and this podcast is linked to my Toddler Roadmap training.

I’m going to hold your hand, support and guide you through everything you need to know about raising happy, confident resilient kids – today’s toddlers but tomorrow’s adults!

I want you to relax & have total confidence that you’ve got a parenting expert who’s got your back - showing you the way to happy, confident kids and knowing the pandemic didn’t damage your kids long term!

In my TODDLER Roadmap Course and Community I will give you the step by step guide for handling toddler tantrums and why they happen, I give you the roadmap for potty training, why kids become fussy eaters and what to do about it. I show you how to build self confidence in your toddler and explain why they say ‘why?’ all the time, I give you my parenting hacks on how to handle sibling rivalry when another baby arrives, I tell you about the importance of play and how to handle when they say ‘NO!’

I tell you how to handle whining, crying, and biting. I show you my tips for getting kids into a good bedtime routine and why that’s important. I talk about why reading with kids is so important and why singing nursery rhymes with them helps their language development. I show you how to handle night terrors and I look at the bigger picture to your parenting – not just the socks and pants of life that we all get stuck in!

So, I’m really excited to share with you my Toddler Roadmap
Remember, if you want to review what we’ve talked about, check out the full Show Notes
There, you can find a full article on the topic, videos that summarise the different elements and links to any tools or resources we’ve pointed out. You can also drop us a comment there and get involved in the conversation.

Check out my YouTube Channel Playlist – videos released every Tuesday and Friday

Parentverse 

Joye Newman – Author of ‘Growing an In-Sync Child: Simple, Fun Activities to Help Every Child Develop, Learn, and Grow’

Coming up Next Week 

Coming up in Episode 10 we’ll look at:
Talking and Listening with Your Toddler - Ways to Encourage Language Development
By the time your little toddler is 12 to 18 months old, they have already learned quite a
few words and can understand many more and by the age of two, most children have
about 100 words of vocabulary.

Some children chatter away from when they are very little, and others take their time.
It’s not a race so don’t compete with other parents!

Children learn at different speeds and at very different times, and sometimes it's
difficult to know whether you ought to be giving them an extra helping hand, whether
they need some specialist help, or whether it's just their natural development that makes
them a little different from their friend.

So, I’ll give you lots of ways to encourage language development.

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Jump on and join in – it’s free from finger pointing or tut-tting – it takes a village and we’re all in this together!
It’s like a community clubhouse – to make sure we get together to chat, laugh and support each other on the journey – so grab a coffee and let’s get social 😊
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