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THE TODDLER ROADMAP SERIES
Episode 3: How to Handle Toddler Tantrums?

"Everything you need to raise a happy, confident, resilient toddler 
undamaged by living through a pandemic!"

Show notes:

In this episode you’ll learn how to handle crying, whining and genuine distress and the dreaded TODDLER TANTRUM. You’ll discover my practical ways to avoid them, handle them positively and get over them quickly and also be given unique access to my free downloadable Behaviour Diary to help you to work out and spot your child’s tantrum triggers so you can avoid them!

In this episode:

  • The Coronavirus Generation. How To Prevent It Damaging Your Toddler.
  • ​The Best Toddler Apps That Teach Letters, Colours, Shapes, and Numbers.
  • ​Fun Books to Read to Your Toddler About Throwing Tantrums😊 
  • ​Has Tech Taken Over in Your House - Is This the End of the Bedtime Story?

Check out the Parentverse – where I talk with experts from around the world. 

Toddler Tantrums – stories about our own kids

Tantrums usually happen around the age of two or three but as children are all individuals, and don’t follow a handbook, tantrums can happen at any time before or after that age. In fact, many children continue to have the occasional tantrum until they're five or six, but by this age it's much easier to reason with them and talk things through.

These outbursts are often called temper tantrums, because of the obvious link with angry feelings that are out of control, but there are other strong emotions your toddler could be feeling as well.

It’s really important to recognise the triggers for a tantrum, because if you can do this, you’ll be able to head off the inevitable angry outburst before they blow into unmanageable volcano - like eruptions!
Try and assess when they happen most often, is it when you are at the shops, when you are on the phone, when they are hungry, bored, cold or when you are just not being attentive enough?

If you know when they’re likely to happen, it makes sense to try to avoid those situations if possible, so you can fend off and pre-empt the tantrum before it has time to explode.

It’s important to remember throughout the whole tantrum episode to remain cool, calm, collected, and completely in control at all times, which is really difficult when the whole of the queue at Tesco’s is watching you, but you need to be the adult, giving security and safe boundaries to your child while they are out of control.

It’s a good idea to notice your child’s Tantrum Triggers as that helps you pre-empt them

  • ​Frustration – happens when they are not able or capable just yet, of doing something that they want to do i.e. doing up their coat buttons, reaching the loo, or tying their shoelaces. It may also come from not being able to make you and other people understand what they want.
  • Their desire for independence - simple things such as strapping your child into their highchair, buggy or car seat or helping them cut up their vegetables can seem, from their point of view, like a deliberate attempt to take away their independence so they will sometimes fight you over these small but really important issues.
  • ​Hunger and/or tiredness - your toddler is more likely to behave badly and “go into one” when they feel hungry, thirsty, or tired. 
  • Being refused something - you may have said “no” to a biscuit or taking off their jumper or they may have a tantrum when another child won’t share their toys or game with them.
  • Wanting attention – most toddlers just love to be the centre of attention, and any attention is better than none, even if it is negative attention. They may have found being naughty gets your full attention and they have unconsciously learnt that this is a great way to get the attention they are craving. 
  • Overload - there are days when your child may be on a roller coaster of emotions and a tantrum will be an inevitable result of not being mature enough to cope.
To download my free “Behaviour Diary” which will help you to work out and spot your child’s tantrum triggers go to:


There’s loads more tips, strategies, techniques and ideas to help you handle the Terrible Twos to turn them into the Terrific Twos ! 

My Toddler Roadmap FREE TRAINING REVEALS:

A Step-By-Step Guide To Nurturing An Independent, Resilient, Can Do Child

You love your kids and want to be the best parent you can, but you don't have time or money for regular parenting classes. We all know that raising amazing kids is incredibly important, but also painfully hard. Most parents end up settling for a mediocre experience because they're too busy to take courses on how to raise their children.

The Toddler Roadmap solves this problem by teaching you how to raise amazing kids on your own terms and schedule with bite-sized training content from myself and top child development experts from around the world delivered right into your inbox!

Here are my Tips for Avoiding Tantrums

With a little bit of forward thinking it’s completely possible to cut down on your toddler’s tantrums and make them less stressful for both of you.
  • Look for signs - most toddlers give plenty of warnings that they're getting angry, frustrated or tired so be a detective looking for clues and be ready to step in and divert their attention.
  • Offer control and choices - it’s really irritating for toddlers to feel they don't have a say or can't make decisions, so get into the habit of providing two choices whenever possible. (Any more and you overwhelm them – think Costa Coffee and all those choices for a simple cup of coffee!)
  • ​Be a positive role model - if they see you flying off the handle when someone cuts you up on the motorway or at the slightest irritation, they will naturally copy you. Children remember far more what you do than what you say! So learn to manage your own anger positively first.
  • Give plenty of praise - encourage good behaviour by praising specifically what you have seen or heard as it teaches your toddler what you want to see more of and they love to please you.
  • Feed the Parking Meter - just as feeding £1 coins into a parking meter all day long protects you from getting a dreaded parking ticket, so does many, little but often, bursts of attention throughout the day help to avoid temper tantrums. This idea will also create a growing relationship of cooperation, caring and fun with your toddler too.

Here are my Tips for Dealing with Tantrums

If pre-empting didn’t work here are some ideas to try:
  • Keep calm – take your energy just below your tummy button and breathe deeply and slowly. It really makes a difference as your toddler will start to automatically copy your regularly, rhythmic breathing and relax a little too.
  • Say an affirmation under your breathe or out loud, “I am grounded, centred, positive, happy, relaxed and confident. 
  • Divert and distract - it's sometimes possible to distract a toddler into looking for fairies and butterflies or at the amazingly fascinating object in your hands before the tantrum takes off. 
  • ​Ignore the behaviour - sometimes, walking away and pretending to take no notice of their tantrum can cool things down and can give you both time to calm down but this is unlikely to work once a tantrum is in full flow. 
  • Hold your child close and be gentle and relaxed and talk quietly and soothingly and calmly to them.
  • ​Time out for YOU! - if your toddler is over 18 months old and you feel you're about to lose your temper, put them somewhere safe where you can leave them alone preferably; a boring place is best with no toys but only leave them for up to two minutes. Time out is really just a quick way to ground yourself again.
  • ​Don't take it personally – toddlers are egocentric and are only able to think about themselves so don’t take it all too heart – it’s never personal. 
  • Confiscate toys - if your toddler throws a toy at you, take it away and put them in the time out area. Explain they’ll only get the toy back when they’ve shown good behaviour.
  • ​Once a tantrum blows over, don't dwell on about it - cuddle and make up as your toddler can often feel afraid of their strong emotions and will need your loving reassurance that they are safe and loved. You are helping them not judging them, and more importantly teaching them that it’s the behaviour you don’t like, not them.

Here are some great fun books about tantrums to read to your impatient toddler!

Helping toddlers make sense of their feelings can be difficult, especially if they are impatient. Here are some books that can help with big feelings.

Chat about PEANUT PODS

Whether it’s 3am and you’re wide awake, or you’re desperate for someone to talk to after a tough day, Pods facilitate live audio conversations to help you connect and share meaningful experiences in real-time. You can hop in and out, exploring different live conversations no matter where you are, or what you’re doing by downloading the Peanut App!
I’m doing a series of Toddler Live Pods on Mondays at 7pm GMT or 2 pm EST
I’ve done, The Big Gremlin of Mom Guilt, Handling Biting, Handling Tantrums and coming up are:
  • 24th January: The Importance of saying “No” to your toddler.
  • 31st January: Talking and Listening Effectively
  • 7th February: Overcoming Sleep Problems Easily 
  • ​14th February: Preparing Your Child for A New Baby
  • ​21st February: Siblings Without Rivalry!
  • ​28th February:  Setting Boundaries For Your Toddler And Strategies For Discipline.
I’ve had a couple of questions in this week about toddlers rejecting either their mom or their dad.

Question:

• Dear Sue, I’m the mom of 2-year-old Tom and I’ve been upset lately because he has been rejecting me. He’s our only child and I'm a stay-at-home mom. What’s wrong – doesn’t he love me? Kitty Dalglish from Burbank California, USA 
• Dear Sue, I’m Nathan, the father of 3-year-old, Sam. Of course, I love Sam to bits, and I think I'm really good with him, so I don't understand why he won't let me read to him and always wants his mum.’ Jack Hoffman Notting Hill, London

Answer:

For both Kitty and Nathan being rejected by their toddlers is very unsettling. Both parents also wondered if it had to do with them being a mean parent or disciplining too much.

 This is very common during the toddler ages between 1 and 4 years of age.

Children frequently go through stages where they reject one or the other parent and the reasons have nothing to do with you being mean, harsh, punitive or rejecting of them. The reasons have to do with some of the challenges of the toddler years for little ones.

The Nature if Toddlers

Two- and 3-year-olds are challenging because they want to be more independent and they want to have more control in their lives, and they often have strange whims and fancies and even obsessions.

As I always say – bringing up a toddler is a bit like trying to tame jelly – all wobbles and no rules!

They love to make choices and they love to reject what you tell them to do! Also by rejecting one of their parents, i.e. Mum or Dad, is just one of the ways they can exercise a little control and show their power.
While rejecting you may make you feel sad, upset, or unimportant, it’s usually a temporary whim and they don't really mean they don't love you or want you in their life. They really want more power and control at a stage when they get frustrated with being bossed around and controlled by the big people around them all day!

It's important that when this happens that you don’t take it personally. Toddlers change their minds all the time from wanting the red beaker one day to having a meltdown if it’s the red beaker the next day!
These things don't mean they really hate you. They just mean that they are struggling with learning to control their big emotions.

Step back and press your imaginary ‘pause button’ that I talk a lot about in my Toddler Roadmap training www.ToddlerRoadmap.com and think about how you can give them a sense of having more independence and a feeling of capability and control over some aspects of their lives – from choosing the colour of their socks to whether they want to cuddle their teddy or truck!

Where can you offer more limited choices to help them feel more independent?

So much of parenting a toddler is turning their rejection, tantrums and opposition into fun and games.
Toddlers are just learning what is serious and what isn't. They don't know that it may break your heart if they tell you they don't want you to read to them.

There's no point in trying to make them feel guilty for something they can't help doing anyway. So relax, don’t sweat the small stuff and wait for this phase to pass!

  • Notice your toddler’s triggers – what’s behind the meltdown.
  • Try taking a deep breath and grounding yourself first before acting – Respond DON’T React!
  • Start using brief, easy commands. 
In general, toddlers are easily diverted. Tantrums can sometimes be cut short with early commands that are brief, simple and easy to follow, that quickly grab your toddler's interest.

Be specific, like ‘Don't hit your sister' or distract with short, specific invitations—'Let's colour this together’ —rather than a vague ‘Be good.’ A quick change of location can also be effective e.g It’s time to feed the fish let’s go ’.

Popular Picks

Chat about apps for toddlers
  • The Best Toddler Apps That Teach Letters, Colours, Shapes, and Numbers
  • Making that screentime work for you.
Chat about reading to our kids.
Is It The end of the bedtime story? Has technology taken over?

As our lives get busier and our technology gets smarter, fewer parents are making the time to snuggle down with a bedtime story at night and if that is true – does it even matter?

After all, the world is changing. Parents work longer and longer hours and there’s growing competition from on-demand programming, tablets, apps and games.

Do you still enjoy reading to your kids? When is your favourite time? Where’s your favourite place to snuggle up? What’s your toddler’s favourite book – do they like to read it over and over again?

Chat about how coronavirus is affecting development of babies and toddlers

Check out my YouTube Channel Playlist on Handling Toddlers 

Join my Facebook Group Community

I have created a private and safe space for us all – a Facebook Group called ‘Don’t Stew ~ Ask Sue Atkins’ where you can ask me anything from niggles, worries, or problems or perhaps you’d just like some new ideas or you’d like to make some new friends.

Jump on and join in – it’s free from finger pointing or tut-tting – it takes a village and we’re all in this together!
It’s like a community clubhouse – to make sure we get together to chat, laugh and support each other on the journey – so grab a coffee and let’s get social 😊

Click here to join the community!
In the next episode you’ll learn how to handle Separation Anxiety confidently and positively as I will be teaching you my simple and practical ideas to avoid teary and tantrum-filled goodbyes, while also giving you an understanding what your child is going through at this stage in their development.
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