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THE TODDLER ROADMAP SERIES
Episode 4: Separation Anxiety

"Everything you need to raise a happy, confident, resilient toddler 
undamaged by living through a pandemic!"

Show notes:

In this episode we will be looking at Separation Anxiety – what it is, what causes it and how to handle it confidently as lots of toddlers go through this phase, so I’ll be giving you some simple and practical ideas to avoid teary and tantrum-filled goodbyes.

In this episode:

  • How Separation Anxiety Develops
  • ​How stresses can trigger anxiety
  • ​How long does separation anxiety last
  • ​Strategies that can make 'goodbyes' easier.
I remember when I was a Reception Class teacher and the “BIG Day” arrived for starting school for the first time. Often the children cried for about 5 minutes while they got used to the new routine and felt sad at the separation but within minutes they were playing with the sand or water or toys and were relaxed and comfortable – but their parents often went off feeling guilty and anxious and ended up worried all morning when really the separation anxiety only lasted a few minutes and disappeared after a short time.

I work with many parents of toddlers to help them over their heartfelt anxiety around their toddler’s separation anxiety.

This is a very common part of a child's early year’s development.

Around their first birthday, many children develop separation anxiety, and get upset when you try to leave them with someone else, and although separation anxiety is a perfectly normal part of childhood development, it can be a really upsetting and unsettling experience for both of you.

Understanding what your child is going through and having a few coping strategies can help both of you get through it.

How Separation Anxiety Develops

Babies adapt well to other people caring for them. I find it’s often the parents who suffer anxiety about being separated more than the infants do! As long as their needs are being met, most babies younger than 6 months adjust easily to other people.

Sometime between 4-7 months, babies develop a sense of “object permanence” and begin to learn that things and people exist even when they're out of sight. This is when babies start playing the "dropsy" game — dropping things over the side of the highchair and expecting an adult to retrieve it (which, once retrieved, gets dropped again!). I remember this phase when my son was a baby!

The same thing occurs with a parent. Babies realise that there's only mum or dad, and when they can't see you, that means you've gone away. And most don't yet understand the concept of time so do not know if or when you'll come back.

Whether you're in the kitchen, in the next bedroom, or at the office, it's all the same to your baby. You've disappeared, and your child will do whatever he or she can to prevent this from happening.

Stresses Can Trigger Anxiety

Between 8 months old 1 year old, children grow into more independent toddlers, yet they are even more uncertain about being separated from you. This is when separation anxiety can often develop, and a child may become agitated and upset when you try to leave.

Whether you need to go into the next room for just a few seconds, leave your child with a babysitter or grandparent for the evening, or drop off your child at day care, your little one might now start reacting by crying, clinging to you, and resisting attention from others.
Because children develop at their own speed, the timing of separation anxiety can vary widely from child to child.

Some toddlers may go through it later, between 18 months and 2½ years of age. Some may never experience it. And for others, certain life stresses can trigger feelings of anxiety about being separated from you – common ones being a new childcare situation or carer, the arrival of a new sibling, moving to a new home, going into a big bed, divorce or tension at home.

How long does separation anxiety last? 

It varies, depending on your toddler and how you respond. If you are tense, anxious, and uneasy your toddler will pick up on your vibes and this will make it all worse.
Try to relax, picture things going well and easily and that in a short time this will soon pass.

Keep the bigger picture in your mind.

Otherwise, toddlers soon learn to understand the effect this behaviour has on you. If you come running back into the room every time your child cries and then stay there longer and longer or cancel your plans, your child will continue to use this tactic to avoid separation.
It’s best to smile, hug and leave quickly.

In some cases, depending on your child's temperament, separation anxiety can last from infancy through the primary school years.

What You May Be Feeling

During this stage, you might experience different emotions.

It can be reassuring to feel that your child is as attached to you as you are to them. But you're likely to feel guilty about taking time out for yourself, leaving your child with a carer, or about going to work. And you may start to feel overwhelmed by the amount of attention your child seems to need from you.
I’ve even coached mums exasperated about not being able to even go to the toilet without a toddler following them and crying if they leave.

Keep in mind that your little one's unwillingness to leave you is a good sign that healthy attachments have developed between the two of you. Eventually, your child will be able to remember that you always return after you leave, and that will be enough comfort and reassurance while you're gone. This also gives your toddler a chance to develop their own coping skills and a little independence.

Making Goodbyes Easier

These strategies can help ease you and your toddler through this difficult period:
  • Timing is everything. Try not to start day care or childcare with an unfamiliar person when your little one is between the ages of 8 months and 1 year, when separation anxiety is first likely to appear. Also, try not to leave when your toddler is likely to be tired, hungry, or restless. If at all possible, schedule your departures for after naps and mealtimes. 
  • Practice. Practice being apart from each other and introduce new people and places gradually. If you're planning to leave your child with a relative or a new babysitter, then invite that person over in advance so they can spend time together while you're in the room. If your child is starting at a new day care centre or nursery, make a few visits there together before a full-time schedule begins. Practice leaving your child with a carer for short periods of time so that he or she can get used to being away from you. 
  • Be calm and consistent. Create an exit ritual where you say a pleasant, loving, and firm goodbye. Stay calm and show confidence in your child. Reassure them that you'll be back — and explain how long it will be until you come back – say something like “I’ll be back in 2 of your favourite CBeebies programmes” using concepts your toddler understands like “after lunch” because your child can't yet understand time. Give them your full attention when you say goodbye, and when you say you're leaving, mean it; coming back will only make things worse.
  • ​Follow through on promises. It's very important to make sure that you return when you have promised to. This is critical — this is how your child will develop the confidence that he or she can make it through the time apart. So don’t let them down – it will frighten them.
As hard as it may be to leave a child who's screaming and crying for you, it's important to have confidence that the carer can handle it. It may help both of you to set up a time that you will call to check in, maybe 15 to 20 minutes after you leave. By that time, most toddlers have calmed down are playing with other things. Don't let yourself give in early and call sooner!

If you're caring for another person's child who's experiencing separation anxiety, try to distract the child with an activity or toy, or with songs, games, or anything else that's fun. You may have to keep trying until something just clicks with the child.

Also, try not to mention the child's mummy or daddy, but do answer the child's questions about his or her parents in a simple and straightforward way. You might say: "Mummy and Daddy are going to be back as soon as they have had dinner. Let's play with some toys!"

 It’s Only Temporary

Remember that this phase will pass. If your child has never been cared for by anyone but you, and they are naturally shy, or they are anxious, it may be worse than it is for other children.
Trust your instincts. If your child refuses to go to a certain babysitter or day care centre or shows other signs of tensions, such as trouble sleeping or loss of appetite, then there could be a problem with your childcare situation.
There’s loads more tips, strategies, techniques, and ideas to help you handle the Terrible Twos to turn them into the Terrific Twos on my Toddler Roadmap Training.

My Toddler Roadmap FREE TRAINING Covers:

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Chat about PEANUT PODS

Whether it’s 3am and you’re wide awake, or you’re desperate for someone to talk to after a tough day, Pods facilitate live audio conversations to help you connect and share meaningful experiences in real-time. You can hop in and out, exploring different live conversations no matter where you are, or what you’re doing by downloading the Peanut App
https://www.peanut-app.io/
I’m doing a series of Toddler Live Pods on Mondays at 7pm GMT or 2 pm EST
I’ve done, The Big Gremlin of Mom Guilt, Handling Biting, Handling Tantrums and coming up are:
  • 24th January: The Importance of saying “No” to your toddler.
  • 31st January: Talking and Listening Effectively
  • 7th February: Overcoming Sleep Problems Easily 
  • ​14th February: Preparing Your Child for A New Baby
  • ​21st February: Siblings Without Rivalry!
  • ​28th February:  Setting Boundaries For Your Toddler And Strategies For Discipline.

Question:

• Dear Sue, my little girl Becky is two and half and she is driving me CRAZY by interrupting me all the time when I’m on the phone, talking to her Dad or chatting to my friend outside nursery when I pick her up. What can I do as I’ve tried everything? Rose Underwood from Kilkenny, Ireland 

Answer:

Your little 2 -year-old thinks that the world and everything in it (including you) exists for her benefit. Not only that, but her short-term memory isn't very well developed yet, which means your child's impulse to say things right now before she forgets actually has a physiological basis.

So, the very concept of interrupting makes no sense to your toddler. She can't grasp that there are other people and activities that sometimes require your attention or capture your interest. This perspective also means that whatever directs your attention away from her (a phone call, for example) is by nature a threat.
Having your child obliviously interrupting every time you're chatting with a friend or scheduling an appointment is exasperating, but if you keep her worldview in mind, you'll realise that she's not purposefully trying to drive you insane!

Don't worry, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. By the time your child is 3 or 4, she'll begin to understand what an interruption is and what the command “Don't interrupt" means, and her short-term memory will have developed enough that she'll be able to hold on to a thought for a bit longer.

What to do?

At this age, your best strategies are to reduce the number of situations in which Becky will be able to interrupt your conversations, and to divert her attention whenever she does interrupt.

Here's how:

  • Pick the right location. You can minimise your frustration by asking your friends to meet you in a place where your child can play while the adults chat. A park with a sandbox or a climbing frame is ideal.
  • Tag team. If you and your partner are getting together with another couple with a child, the perfect solution is for two of the adults to watch the kids while the other two socialise for half an hour or so and then swap over. 
  • Me Time. Sometimes getting away completely for an hour or two can work wonders for your wellbeing – either ask your partner to babysit or get a babysitter to watch your toddler while you take a coffee break, go out for a drink with a friend, go to the cinema, or go to the gym - or ask a friend to do a babysit swap with you.
  • ​Read to ‘Talk and Teach. A fun way to introduce the concept of polite behaviour is to read your child great books like:
‘The Berenstain Bears Forget Their Manners’ by Stan and Jan Berenstain

 Babette Cole's ‘The Bad Good Manners Book,’

‘Manners’ by Aliki

 and the classic ‘What Do You Say, Dear?’ by Sesyle Joslin
  • Schedule phone calls. Rather than battling it out every time the phone rings, the easiest solution is simply to make and return calls while your child is napping or after she's in bed for the night. 
  • Special Box. You might want to keep a box or drawer of special toys or art supplies that get used only during phone calls. Or fill a sink with water and plastic cups for her to play with as long as you can watch her !!!!  
  • Model the behaviour. Toddlers copy you all the time! If you and your partner tend to interrupt each other - work on ending that habit. Also, try not to interrupt your child when she's talking to you. Any time you forget and break in on her (or anyone else), stop yourself and say, "Sorry. I interrupted you. Go on."
The ‘Easy Peasy – Lemon Squeezy Button’ is a great way to reward the behaviour you want to see more of. It’s a really fun way to encourage your toddler to do the right thing. You to record 40 seconds of yourself saying ‘That was Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy’ via the built-in microphone and speaker – to motivate & encourage your child to brush their teeth, do their homework or tidy away their toys or NOT interrupt you.

No more ‘Naughty Step’ just lots of positive, tactile, active psychology that encourages your child using multi-sensory engaged learning.

Kids LOVE pressing it.
  • When does your toddler interrupt you – what are you doing?
  • What new strategies could you use this week that we talked about?

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In the next episode I’ll talk about my ‘The Monkeys Are Jumping Strategy’ and how to handle anger positively, so I hope you’ll have fun with this one and learn loads! 
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